Violated

okay
so it’s just a bit after noon
and i feel like i’ve already
been violated

violated by the
truck stop toilets
that is

we stopped just outside of
torino to fuel up
the restroom stalls were full
and the first thing i had to
tangle with was a toilet seat that
flips up when one’s ass
is not holding it down
it can be a bit of a yoga move
especially if you’re got things
in your hands, as i did

so during mid-stream,
the toilet flushes automatically
and a massive tidal wave
comes up out of the toilet
and serves me a bidet
without my permission!

just as this was happening,
it was apparently happening
to others as well because i
began to hear shrieks from
other stalls and bursts of
shocked laughter

at the same time
2 young german women,
an italian woman and i
all exited our
surprise-splash-stalls at once
none of us could speak
the other’s language
but we all talked and laughed
anyway.

nothing like a good cold shock
to erase the language barrier.

afterwards
when relaying the story
to my people,
i could hardly speak from
laughing so hard

hysteria is a good thing
in the morning

but now i fear i have
every kind of VD known to humanity
and cannot believe that
this is actually how the toilets
are supposed to work

is this some kind of experiment?
i cannot believe that people
don’t sue for sexual harassment

parker suggested that
there might be cameras in the stalls
and someone somewhere is
getting a good laugh out of it

who knows?
maybe i’ll see myself on
“SURPRISE BIDET!”
the brand new reality show.
remember candid camera?
this is candid crapper.

okay
on to bigger
and better things

we drive through
many fields of corn
on narrow gravel roads
in the late day sun
until we come upon
stone walls that
demarcate the venue perimeter

and then…
the superb villa arconati!

i was lucky enough
to play there two years ago
and would play there every night
for the rest of my life if i could

this place is huge
and i mean MASSIVE
with enormous gardens
and courtyards and old fountains
some gardens feel like they haven’t
been visited for many years
and like they could be
one’s own special secret garden

we played tonight with lyle lovett,
who was wonderful
finessed and gorgeous

i have already organized
a trip to bianco latte
tomorrow morning
before we depart for umbertide.

starting the day with the best gelato
is both the new black AND the new brown.